erin

i am so miserable and it is no fun.
i'm packing up my room and started putting my books in boxes and realized that all of my school books are in a box and all of my travel books are not. i think i'm trying to tell myself something...
but! i can't live in the real world without fucking myself over, which is making it a little bit hard to make a pretty dream world happen.
taking a bus to brazil. did i tell you that yet? brazil is calling. i'm sick of being cold. i want to be warm goddamnit!
quit smoking. maybe exercise. then i will stop raging on the inside. and be able to sleep. preferably without passing out. i discovered on friday night that i actually cannot do even one pushup. maybe that was saturday night. i used to be able to do 10. i was a kid. but still. my body is so tense all the time i need to do something. i don't know how to stretch. even after going to yoga.
oh my goodness. i can't decide if i want to hang out with people before i leave. i'd like to see devin again. i'm not sure if tedros is speaking to me (unfounded and probably overreacted, but who knows). i should probably see jonathan. hm. why are so many of my friends asshole boys? jesus. i wish i could get involved in a feminist group, but i'm not sure i've ever met anyone that has the same feelings about men and sex as i do--you know, utter loathing and when every evil thought you have is directed towards them.
i want to leave so badly.
the one thought that is making me so sad and tired and miserable is the thought of coming back here.

...i was trying to think really evil thoughts and write them down so could see the evil things i hate...but then really good music came on. dance mash-ups. they are amazing. right now is cyndi lauper vs. dizzee rascal - girls just want to fix up. and it's making me really want to know more pop music. there's one with fiest that is vs. lloyd called 'my moon my shawty', but i don't know the lloyd song and it is making me sad.

apparently there is going to be a party here on saturday night. a dance party. i'm probably going to flip shit and sit in the rain in the backyard by myself. like i did last night. i cannot talk to people to save my life and it makes me really sad.

my bed is full of dirt. was. gross. most of the remnants of qual weekend are cleared. or organized. and i really hate thinking about that weekend-long panic attack. i am running away from it, i realize,

i need to quit thinking about crazy people, too. i watched half of the townes van zandt documentary the other night. he got electric shock therapy. i downloaded dale watson today. committed after his fiancee died. daniel johnston. crazy. medically impaired. i can't remember how. genius crazies, though, i think that's why i can't look away. the line between normal and crazy is beginning to look a little blurry.

my word of the day that i just got is ineffectual. > reading very seriously into word of the day emails and thinking about how one is connected to the universe: normal? i keep thinking of careers that fit my random thoughts. i wish i had the energy to just make them hobbies and quit scheming with myself.

oh yes, i think sometimes that i am entering my schizo phase and that is worrying me.

i have to get up tomorrow. i didn't do that today until 7:30 pm. but it's ok. i need a comfortable bed. i think it would make getting out of it easier. because then i wouldn't be in pain. very logical. so why have i not gotten one yet? i let the man hold me down and it is no fun. and i can't stop thinking about it. and it's drying me out. from the inside out. the saddest thing is losing my imagination to it.
 end! i have to get up tomorrow. that means i need to sleep. it is 2:30. i should get up at 9. sometimes, getting up and getting dressed is the saddest thing i have to do. so i don't. but i have to tomorrow.

Saturnalia is the feast at which the Romans commemorated the dedication of the temple of the god Saturn, which took place on 17 December.  It also was a festival day. After sacrifice at the temple, there was a public banquet, which Livy says was introduced in 217 BC (there also may have been a lectisternium, a banquet for the god in which its image is placed in attendance, as if a guest). Afterwards, according to Macrobius (I.10.18), the celebrants shouted "Io, Saturnalia!" at a riotous feast in the temple.

The Saturnalia was the most popular holiday of the Roman year. Catullus (XIV) describes it as "the best of days," and Seneca complains that the "whole mob has let itself go in pleasures" (Epistles, XVIII.3). Pliny the Younger writes that he retired to his room while the rest of the household celebrated (Epistles, II.17.24).

During the holiday, restrictions were relaxed and the social order inverted. Gambling was allowed in public. Slaves were permitted to use dice and did not have to work. Instead of the toga, less formal dinner clothes (synthesis) were permitted, as was the pileus, a felt cap normally worn by the manumitted slave that symbolized the freedom of the season. Within the family, a Lord of Misrule was chosen. Slaves were treated as equals, allowed to wear their masters' clothing, and be waited on at meal time in remembrance of an earlier golden age thought to have been ushered in by the god. In the Saturnalia, Lucian relates that "During My week the serious is barred; no business allowed. Drinking, noise and games and dice, appointing of kings and feasting of slaves, singing naked, clapping of frenzied hands, an occasional ducking of corked faces in icy water—such are the functions over which I preside."

so part of my new job at the library is processing (i.e. entering into a database--my favorite thing ever!) books that get donated to the library. right now, i'm working on a huge gift from this 94-year-old man who taught at reed at some point. he wrote in alllll of his books and a lot of it is in this weird shorthand code that i'm never going to break. but anyway, i came across this book "depraved english," which is a dictionary kind of thing of offensive words. it was only published 7 years ago, which meant he was at least 87 when he was reading and annotating it. i nearly died laughing when i came across this (all the underlined bits are things he underlined and some of them had margin notes. i like to think o.u. is a friend of his...):

elumbated /el UM bay ted/ adj - Weak in the loins.
This word describes the unhappy state of certain older men who take much younger wives and subsequently become elumbated from the constant pressure to perform in bed.
(Margin note: O.U.)

graveolent /gruh VAY o lent/ adj - Having an offensive and fetid odor.
(Margin note: O.U.)

mastoptosis /mass TOEP TOE sis/ n - Sagging, pendulous breasts.
(catches all the errors!)

monorchid /mon OR kid/ n - A man with one testicle.
(Margin note: check mark)

peotillomania /pee o til o MAY nee uh/ n - The neurotic habit of constantly pulling at one's penis.

phallorhiknosis /fal or hik NO sis/ n - The shrivelling of the penis with old age.
(Margin note: check mark)

pygobombe /PIE go bom/ n - A woman with big, sexy buttocks.
From the Greek pyge (buttocks) + bombe (rounded).

things missing from room:

-all of the clothes i left here in my drawers--mostly clothes i never wear, but also lots of summer clothes that i decided not to take home
-canon slr camera. my camera. my camera is gone.
-two checkbooks
-laundry hamper with dirty set of sheets in it. sheets gone too.
-carry-on sized suitcase
-my cute, pretty little stone pipe
-broken digital camera that had been taken to pieces already (by me)

things that aren't gone (for no apparent reason)
-my record player
-all of my cds

here is my new house! with one of my 4 roommates! i'll send you more pictures of the inside once strangers aren't living there.

wednesday night. 12:25 a.m. studying for my religion midterm. AND THEN...


IT SNOWED!!!!!



IN FUCKING MARCH! IN PORTLAND! WHAT?! and they were big fat globs of snow and it snowed all night and again this morning! it was so amazing. apparently there were like 1000000 people outside the library and you could hears yelling coming from all over campus.

(excuse the weird face/stance i'm pulling in that picture...i was pretty dazed and excited. my little sister asked if i was drunk, haha!)

( warning: rambling from a stoned girl beneath the cut. )

and now, i will likely put on some pants, or not (i have to remember to tell you about the revolution) and make some tea. perhaps something else will follow that.

"erin's type," by devin bambrick
(modeled after ancient greek epic)

"That Carthaginian scrounger*, his hair torn,
And his pants tight around his phallus.
His shirt is the finest Spartan flannel,
Stain'd by black dye and coffee spills.
He wields his silver fork, the hydra slayer."

*have i told you about the scroungers? all of the really attractive boys at this school who eat the leftover food in commons.

trying really hard to do homework, will write more later.

schedule (said the british way), just so i have it on record somewhere:

monday
9-9:50: humanities lecture
11-11:50: chemistry lecture

tuesday
9-10:20: religion lecture
10:30-11:50: humanities conference
1:10-2:30: 20th century america

wednesday
9-9:50: hum lecture
11-11:50: chem lecture
1:10-4: chem lab

thursday
9-10:20: religion conference
10:30-11:50: humanities conference
1:10-2:30: 20th century america
3:10-4: chem conference

friday
9-9:50: hum lecture
11-11:50: chem lecture

oh my god. thursdays are going to suck. those are all thinking/participating classes, no lectures or anything. sigh.

TUESDAY NIGHT AT CHITTICK DORM: (from oct. 5)
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